Murder


I need you to understand something before I kill you…I need you to understand why!

 People make fun of me. And so what I really need right now is not to be laughed at. Like I’m a joke! Well, I am not and soon the world will know it. Once you’re dead, that is. Then they will have to take me seriously.

So all in all, you’re dying for a good cause. Really. And I…I need the practice as well. Farewell, “friend”. I’m sure you will be rewarded on the other side.

With these thoughts running in my head, I raised the slipper in my hand and brought it down with full force. Ha! Now my wife can’t laugh at me for screaming every time I see a cockroach!

What I Learned In Ramadan 2013


1. Continue the routine of sleeping at work so that you can easily stay up all night to make sehri. (No way you gonna wake up otherwise).

2. Share the number of parathas that you wolf down daily. (It’s always a competition!)

3.  Irony has a new definition: spending all your time thinking about food, jumping from one craving to another, in the month of abstinence. (Mmm…pakoray…)

4. Chances are that, cartoon-esque, everything is food for you. Go with it! (There is no such thing as bad publicity, right? *takes a sip of her Pepsi*)

5. Distract yourself and embrace the jingles within your head. Unless you can carve out your brain and stab it to death, which is in itself a distraction. (Kynke Panther ka pahiya he tu best hai bhaiya!)

6. You can also listen to your friends’ jabbering, thanks to special Ramadan calling rates in order to pass the day, and thenstab your brain to death.

7. Golden Rule #3.14: The way to everyone’s heart is through their stomach. (In reference to culinary skills, not cutlery skills!)

8. Anything and everything can be – and will be – done in the name of Ramadan transmissions and ratings. (Warning: giveaways may include small children and an endless source of content to Tweet about)

9. Avoid that by going out for Iftar buffets, checking out all the deals and eating like kal ho na ho. (Special Tip: for digestion, share each and every detail of your iftar on Pakistan Food Forum on your return).

10. You can also relieve all kinds of tension by visiting Servis and getting yourself some shoes. Good shoes are the key to happiness. (As well as a weapon to employ against those who disagree with you).

Tact


That, or the other person should understand why he is being asked to go to hell. Maybe to rectify. Maybe to find someone he actually clicks with. Maybe to not hate himself based on one person’s opinion.

Or at least, so that he should not wish the same for you…karma’s a b****, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

Oh, wait – you’d rather not hurt the other person. Good thinking.