Choice


Grief is a most peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.

Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

You don’t feel like talking to me. No problem.

I don’t mind. Not really. Not anymore.

It’s your life; you’re free to choose who you talk to.Or not talk to. I, on the other hand, don’t seem to have a choice in this matter. And so, I can only grieve.

Because if I had to, I wouldn’t make this choice. Unless I had a damn good reason. Maybe even not then.

Little by little, though, I realize I do have a choice: not waiting around on you.

Works for me. I don’t have time to be miserable any way.

Haunted


The man confessed. Confessed to being ‘haunted’ by a candle wick.

What?

But it was just a story. An abridged version of the story. And my teacher explained how he could be haunted by a candle and its wick.

Or at least tried to.

At the end, when it all made sense, it didn’t. It was clear that he was haunted by the candle and its wick considering how close to death he had come. Yet, it was only a candle.

Was it?

Now, faced with my own haunting candle wick, I believe. And I understand.

There are no ghosts. Monsters are a thing of the past. Memories are enough.

Try Again


Today, my tea bag told me Try Again.

Sure, sure. I should try again. I think you’re ri- wait a minute!

Aren’t you overly-optimistic, Mr.Tea-Bag? You are going to be used, just once, and then thrown in the bin. You can’t even try again yourself. Even if you wanted to. And you’re telling me to do so?

Or wait. Is that why are you telling me to do so?

You know, I wouldn’t be here, albeit barely hanging on, if I had already given up. So I am trying it. Let’s just keep it between you, me and the bin.

Sunday Special: Silence


Silence is golden.

Sometimes, it is thick and cold, like the fog settling outside. Filled with the echoes of all that was said and all that was left unsaid. Echoes of hopes, unfulfilled. Echoes of dreams, shattered.

It hangs all around you. It dictates your thoughts. It numbs your senses. Your throat dries up as you choke on the words trying to get out. Your ears ring a little. Your left eye itches. Your right toe twitches.

You can reach out a hand to touch it. Or a finger. But you don’t want to break it.

You don’t.

You only try to drown it with the voice in your head instead. In response, it rears its head and hisses at you.

You get the point: silence is golden. Shhh!

My Year In Review


It’s that time again.

The time for review and reflection. The time to look back, at all the good and the bad, and “resolve” to do better…

For me, only in retrospect though, 2012 was a good year; better than 2011 in many ways.

I am still naive in many regards. I still let my hot head rule my words. I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I still worry too much and over-think everything.

Despite everything, I feel I have grown. Both up and out of my shell. A bit.

2012 was the year in which I managed to perform a very essential duty due a Muslim. I rarely blog about religion – thoughts, beliefs, opinions, practices, etc – but it was both a time with family and with God that I cherish. This was one experience that I won’t ever forget in my entire life, and I pray to God that there isn’t a point in my remaining life that this happens. Though it wasn’t easy, if I could go back, I would do it all over again.

The year also marked important career decisions. I once again tasted the thrill – and hardships! – of job search and the application & interview process. Now, I’ve finally settled down at (my current) work, quitting one internship and an earlier job in the course of the last twelve months. Having gotten the hang of operations, there are many moments where I really enjoy my “hidden” power and influence. Overall, I am just really thankful that all these opportunities did come my way.

In this regard, there are also lots of new people who have come my way. Some really nice ones. And some old ones have secured an even more permanent position in my (scarred) heart. Their presence through the best and lowest of times, their patience through my blubbering, and their ability to give me perspective is highly appreciated.

A shout-out to finally acquiring a smart phone (though still not smart enough to use it, it turns out) and applications like Whatsapp & Viber.

There was only a normal amount of reading and a minimal amount of writing, except here on the blog. Maybe 2013 would be the lucky year?

I did find some new favorite bands and musicians though: Mumford & Sons, Florence & the Machine and Of Monsters & Men. And it is just a coincidence that all of these have words starting with ‘M’. Promise!

At the same time, 2012 was also the year when I had my first major accident, after having a driving career of seven years. Mostly, my own fault. It was scary and I learned how fear makes a person scream. Yet, I was once again very ‘lucky’ since I wasn’t hurt and only the car was damaged. And that I didn’t have any passengers. Phew!

2012, in retrospect, in one word: lucky.

Cheers to that and hoping that this one would be a good one as well!