What the TV Commercial Shows
What the Commercial Would Have You Believe
What Happens in the Real World
|A whole family enjoying their fried chicken dinner, smacking their lips and smiling throughout
||Loudly eating one’s food somehow constitutes acceptable behavior at the table.
||“If you smack your lips one more time you will get no dessert. It’s been a long day. Just eat quietly or Mommy will get upset again.”
|A car driving along a winding country road
||If you buy this car, you will experience the pleasure that can only be had by handling a precision-engineered roadster in welcoming scenery.
||If you buy this car, you will experience the same traffic and frustration as you do with your current model, only with less money remaining in your bank account.
|A highly visible name-brand, well-groomed men and attractive women
||The mere presence of a particular beverage at your event, however humble, will make everyone associate you with attractiveness, and of course everyone will have a great time.
||You will spend slightly more money on the brand featured in the commercial, but not much else will change.
|Teenage boys giving one another high-fives upon discovering a certain beverage in the refrigerator
||The parents who chose to purchase the beverage must be the coolest people on the face of the Earth.
||Your children will complain that you bought the “wrong” brand no matter what you do.
|A daughter asking her mother about that “not-so-fresh” feeling
||Daughters routinely discuss their intimate habits and icky moments with their mothers.
||Daughters would dive into a swimming pool filled with razors and lemon juice before they would discuss intimate matters with Mom.
|A celebrity recommending or enjoying the product
||By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with the greatness that the celebrity represents.
||By purchasing this product, you associate yourself with all the other suckers who think there’s some actual association between the celebrity and you.
|People chatting freely on their mobile phones, blithely unconcerned with cost
||Join this cellular plan and enjoy meeting your telecommunication needs without the stress of a complicated or expensive payment plan.
||You forgot to read the fine print, and the advantages offered in the commercial don’t actually apply to you.
|A veritable army of action figures, elaborately laid out, with several excited, happy children clearly having a great time using them
||These toys will keep your kids occupied for hours on end with good, clean, creative fun.
||Three words: Each Sold Separately.
|Lithe, scantily clad models with faraway looks
||Buy this fragrance and transform all your human encounters into sexual adventures.
||The knock-off brands at CVS are just as good and a LOT cheaper. Plus, the checkout girl there is kinda cute.
|A jumbo jet cruising gracefully along above the clouds, with the sun glinting appropriately off various parts of the fuselage
||Choosing this airline will get you to your destination quickly, reliably, affordably and comfortably.
||TSA agents are paid to make your life miserable, you coach-ticket-buying prole.
|A smiling customer with an overloaded shopping cart, examining her receipt with a gratified look
||The low, low prices at this supermarket will transform the mundane act of buying groceries into retail Nirvana.
||The low, low prices at this supermarket are made possible by lousy service, crowded aisles, defective carts and the entire population of your region descending on the store exactly when you wish to make your purchases; then some jerk will nonchalantly amble into the “10 items or less” checkout lane with a cartful of stuff and play all innocent.
|Tropical beaches; tanned, sexy people in swimsuits; palm trees
||This vacation destination has everything you want, and then some.
||Getting sand in your swimsuit, not to mention your unmentionable parts, is horrible. The humidity will encase your skin in a permanent layer of sweat. You will break the bank getting there and back, and when it’s all over you have to go back to work, if you even still have a job. Oh, and the airline lost your luggage.
|Snappy lines from a new comedy now in theaters
||This film will have you rolling in the aisles with laughter.
||The lines in the commercial were the only remotely amusing ones in the whole movie.
|Politician X looking important, accomplished and concerned for Americans Like You
||Politician X is the right choice if you want safer streets, better education for your children, a strong military, secure retirement, growing economy, sound foreign policy and restored national pride.
||Politician X is a low-life, womanizing, corrupt, venal Machiavellian with good hair.
|Stylish people romping or relaxing in stylish clothes with other stylish people in stylish clothes
||These clothes will make you stylish, especially if other people can see the brand-name label on them.
||Nobody worth spending your time with will assign any importance to the label on your clothes.