Day 67

Random shopping trips. Too many choices confuse me. Also, the lack of clarity on what will actually happen confuses me. There’s too much up in the air. Logic dictates that I should figure them out and clear the fog but it’s scary.

And I’m doing things I’ve never done before. It’s all new territory; terrifying new territory. Like answering “Who sent you this?” and “Why?”.

You tell me, ask me anything. I want to ask you so many thing. You tell me I should go ahead but I don’t know where to start.

My head hurts often. I feel very tired. Being afraid is a very tiring thing.

P.s: I’ve fallen in love with Joshua Jackson. <3

Days 74, 73 & 72

Battled an upset stomach these couple of days; even had a mild fever.

The other day, I watched this episode of Grey’s Anatomy in which they are burying George and Izzie made everyone laugh at the funeral. I don’t think I ever understood this scene more than I do these days.

Shopping trips have started. Stuff gets done but it is so exhausting.

I have also been advised to visit places called “gardens” or “parks”. Apparently, they are good for you.

I have started watching this new show called Fringe. It’s supernatural aspect reminds me of The X Files and obsessing over David Duchovny.

Day 75

In less than 75 days, my whole life will change. That’s something I…don’t want to think about. It’s overwhelming.

I freaked out a lot today. Weight. Skin. Hair. Going away. I didn’t tell anyone at home or let them know; wiped my tears and went about doing what I was doing.

Mom made aaloo k parathay for lunch today. I ate a half too many. Stomach was already feeling funny since breakfast.

Made tea and came back to watching Interstellar on my laptop. It’s taking up almost all my attention. It’s also depressing and probably not the best choice for today. But then, I started it last night. And it’s giving me something “tangible” to be sad about.

My sister went to Readings with her friends today. I wanted to tag along but then told her I would rather stay at home. I won’t be able to take the books I already have with me. They are a priority for no one. 

Even me. 

My priorities need to change too. I don’t even know what they need to change into though. 

I can feel the sadness in the people who are already far away from home. A deep yearning to be back. And that scares me more than anything. Feeling alone and helpless and far away. Being alone and helpless and far away. 

And I don’t like thinking about it all. 

Cracking Up

I lay panting on the cold floor. My mini-workout had, like everyday, winded me. 

And that’s when I saw it: a crack in the ceiling. 

“Huh. I have never seen this crack before,” I thought to myself. “I wonder how long it has been there.” 

And that’s when it hit me – soon, there’ll be a different ceiling to locate cracks on. 

An entirely different view. All-new cracks. 

First chink in the armor…