Stay


Hey August,

Stay a little while longer, why don’t you? We can continue to have fun.

Sleeping till late and promising to adopt a proper routine soon everyday.

Eating junk food. Trying to control our junk food intake.

Being a complete potato couch.  Watching horror movies. Microwaving popcorn and being happy they didn’t come out burnt.

Talking to mom in the kitchen as she cooks. Dreaming about being as good as those kids in MasterChef Junior.

Feeling jealous of the people going abroad for studying. Watching little kids talking like smart adults.

Trying to write more than a couple of whiny tweets. Trying to read the books we bought. Being glued to our cellphone.

Buying pretty clothes. Trying to think of ways to pack them best. Making lists and plans.

Wanting to go to lunch with friends. Writing a bucket list. Putting everything off.

Dancing in the monsoon rain. Getting comfortable on the phone. Thinking things might be okay.

Feeling utterly confused and being too bemused to show it. Pretending we’re okay.

Being utterly terrified and too afraid to show it.

And if you don’t stay…If you go, you take it all with you…

Except the fear.

So take my hand and look me in the eye and tell me you won’t leave me. Tell me you won’t succumb to time.

Tell me you won’t leave me alone with my fear.

Tell me.

Please, August. Stay.

Day 53


My aunt and her munchkins’ visit was great. I miss all their cute little antics.

Clothes seem to dominate my life. I desperately need time for myself. Also, desperately need to give time to beautifying stuff, as horrid as it sounds.

I’m worried about my remaining grandmother. She is not well.

I have also spent some time in the kitchen, as mum was with her. I don’t like it but I get the feeling I can conquer this mountain in some time.

Life overall seems…bland and slow. Some might say a lot of excitement awaits me. But I’m not thinking ahead. I don’t want to .

I know I’m going to terribly, terribly miss this slowness and blandness; and I don’t know what I will do with myself.

Around me, people seem to so seamlessly fit into their new lives and roles…HOW do they do that? What’s the secret? Can someone please tell me?

Meanwhile, the clock ticks on.

Day 67


Random shopping trips. Too many choices confuse me. Also, the lack of clarity on what will actually happen confuses me. There’s too much up in the air. Logic dictates that I should figure them out and clear the fog but it’s scary.

And I’m doing things I’ve never done before. It’s all new territory; terrifying new territory. Like answering “Who sent you this?” and “Why?”.

You tell me, ask me anything. I want to ask you so many thing. You tell me I should go ahead but I don’t know where to start.

My head hurts often. I feel very tired. Being afraid is a very tiring thing.

P.s: I’ve fallen in love with Joshua Jackson. <3

Days 74, 73 & 72


Battled an upset stomach these couple of days; even had a mild fever.

The other day, I watched this episode of Grey’s Anatomy in which they are burying George and Izzie made everyone laugh at the funeral. I don’t think I ever understood this scene more than I do these days.

Shopping trips have started. Stuff gets done but it is so exhausting.

I have also been advised to visit places called “gardens” or “parks”. Apparently, they are good for you.

I have started watching this new show called Fringe. It’s supernatural aspect reminds me of The X Files and obsessing over David Duchovny.

Day 75


In less than 75 days, my whole life will change. That’s something I…don’t want to think about. It’s overwhelming.

I freaked out a lot today. Weight. Skin. Hair. Going away. I didn’t tell anyone at home or let them know; wiped my tears and went about doing what I was doing.

Mom made aaloo k parathay for lunch today. I ate a half too many. Stomach was already feeling funny since breakfast.

Made tea and came back to watching Interstellar on my laptop. It’s taking up almost all my attention. It’s also depressing and probably not the best choice for today. But then, I started it last night. And it’s giving me something “tangible” to be sad about.

My sister went to Readings with her friends today. I wanted to tag along but then told her I would rather stay at home. I won’t be able to take the books I already have with me. They are a priority for no one. 

Even me. 

My priorities need to change too. I don’t even know what they need to change into though. 

I can feel the sadness in the people who are already far away from home. A deep yearning to be back. And that scares me more than anything. Feeling alone and helpless and far away. Being alone and helpless and far away. 

And I don’t like thinking about it all.