How do you say exactly what’s on your mind? How do you give your listener the exact picture that you’re seeing? That exact array of emotions?
And once another person has heard you, whatever you said becomes toothpaste. You can’t cram the words back in your mouth and swallow them out of existence, no matter how much you want to do so later.
Generally, you have to convince yourself to talk. That talking it out would help you with your problem. You talk yourself into talking. And all the while, your heart pounds like a drum and your throat feels scratchy and you sound squeaky like a boy who hasn’t hit puberty yet.
When you do manage to string two words together and spew them out with sound, it comes out wrong. Of the ocean you want to convey, you barely outline a puddle.
And you realize how futile speaking your mind is. The other person might listen but is not going to understand.
So you trail off, have your palate give your tongue a hug and silently brood on.
This cookie dough doesn’t seem to be getting baked. With each day, I’m just getting older, tireder, rawer.
Ii’s like I’m…stuck. There’s no going anywhere. There’s no moving forward. A perpetual cycle of sameness.
Oh, the exhaustion. A deep, bottomless pit, stacking itself on yesterday’s pile, every day, every second.
Where’s the light at the end of this tunnel?
Can’t believe it’s been three years since I started my blog (despite not being regular lately).
Also, I still am this way:
THANKS for all the love, you guys!
There’s a famous saying: Don’t go to bed early. Stay up and plot your revenge.
Such lies when it’s more like: Stay up tossing and turning. Seething in your own rage. Arguing with the “culprit” in your head. Logically but forcefully. Imagining the other person bowing down to your ultimate reason. Feeling hot fury course through your veins every time you think about them. Which is every second.
Tossing some more.
Balling up your fists in the effort to stay calm. And then giving up because you almost sliced open your palm with your own nails.
Silently whimpering with the pain of almost having stabbed your palm with your own nails. Feeling your blood boil once again as you think of them. Thinking of what they almost made you do to yourself.
Tearing up at the stupidity of it all.
Wishing you could just…sleep in peace forever.
Because today is the best day!
Sometimes in life, it’s very vital that we take a step back, reevaluate and then do whatever we were doing. It’s important to see “life” in a different light, with a different perspective.
For example, just today, I opened Candy Crush on my phone after ages. I had been stuck on level 140 for a while now and had basically just given up. Today, within two tries, I managed to complete the level.
Conclusion: reevaluating things works!